


time travel really doesn't fix everything

by DescendingSnow



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 17:18:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13486137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DescendingSnow/pseuds/DescendingSnow
Summary: When Evan woke up from his bed five years ago, he thought, ‘I can fix everything!’orEvan time travels but he still messes something up and makes a decision ("a stupid decision," Zoe repeats)





	time travel really doesn't fix everything

When Evan woke up from his bed five years ago, he thought, ‘I can fix everything!’

* * *

 

And Evan tried. Jared wasn’t as much as an asshole anymore. Zoe was talking to Connor. Connor was talking to his parents. Everything seemed so fine.

 

Evan was satisfied.

* * *

 

“God, I didn’t even realize this before!” Connor laughed hysterically. Evan looked at him, Connor only froze minutely before that.

 

“Connor, what?”

 

“You only fucking befriended me because you wanted to _replace_ me. I was such a dumbass!” He continued laughing though tears rolled down his cheeks. Evan was worried.

 

“Replace? Connor-”

 

“Don’t play _dumb_ , Hansen!” Evan flinched as Connor reverted back to his last name giving him a hateful glare. “I know you see it. Everyone’s so fucking happy whenever you’re here. Nothing even changed. They only tolerate me because I’m their ticket to **_you_ **.”

 

“That’s not-” Evan choked a breath, remembering his past life.

 

_I guess I thought I could be a part of this._

 

 _Him leaving behind his mother for a happy family. A pretend one but they were happy_.

 

Did he still wish for that? He came back to fix his mistakes, not do them again.

 

“You can’t even deny it.” Connor gave a derisive laugh. “What’s funnier is that I don’t regret it. Our _pretend_ -” Evan wants to shout at his scoff but couldn’t. “-friendship made me happier than everything. Isn’t that just pitiful.”

 

“It’s, it’s not!” Evan finally spoke. He couldn’t. He went back so that Connor could be happy. Where did he go wrong? _Where did he go wrong?!_ “It wasn’t pretending. I really wanted to be your friend, Connor. Please, believe that!”

 

He was so desperate to have Connor believe him. Just how did everything went wrong? How could he fix this? He couldn’t live with himself if Connor-

 

Ah. So that was it.

 

“Believe? When my own family. My _own family_ ** _loved_** _you_ _more than they did with me_!” Connor’s shoulders twitched as he looked at him with a lost expression. Evan couldn’t take it anymore but he knew what to do now. “What should I do with that, Evan?!”

 

“Don’t worry, Connor.” He knew what to do. “You don’t have to worry about anything anymore.”

 

His vision blurred. He truly wanted to be friends with him but -raising his hands, he wiped away his tears- Connor can’t live happily with him there.

 

Yes, he had to disappear.

 

Connor looked at him confused as Evan smiled at him. He was half torn with giddiness and resignation. Finally. _Finally_ , he knew what he can do to fix everything.

 

“I’m sorry about everything, Connor. But finally, everything will be alright.”

 

“Alright?! Nothing will be-” Connor started to shout.

 

“Trust me.” Evan cut in and Connor shut his mouth, never looked any more lost. Before he could speak again, Evan walked past him. That was fine. Everything was finally going to be fine.

 

“Fine!” He heard Connor shout, “See if I care!” before the door slammed shut. When he went down the stairs, Zoe was looking at him with a worried expression.

 

He gave her a nervous smile, “Sorry about that. I’ll leave so-” He gestured to the door and gave a feeble nod.

 

Zoe frowned, “You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”

 

No. “...no.” He answered a tad too late when Zoe’s eyes narrowed further.

 

“You know Connor cares about you, right. It’s disgusting seeing him so soft with you but he’s always angry and he’ll apologize soon.”

 

“I know.” He said softly, staring straight at her. “That’s why I’m not going to be doing anything stupid.”

 

He rushed out the door before she could continue asking any more questions. He had to do this fast, before he became selfish again. Before he continued ruining Connor’s life.

 

His mind was quiet as he finally arrived, telling his mother he wasn’t hungry. Running through his motions mechanically, only stopping when he was about to type down his letter. It was...weird. Last time, he had no one left for someone to read his letter. Last time, he didn’t think about writing a letter.

 

Some things just change, Evan thought and he typed.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why, you’ve finally found a way for everyone to be happy. I know you promised that you’ve never do this again, but it was the solution to everything. Your mother will be happy. Jared will be happy. Connor will be happy. He’ll be happy. Everyone will be happy. Even you._

 

_Sometimes, I wonder if… if you died back then, during summer, would everything have changed? Would Connor’s parents realize their mistakes? Will Connor not try to kill himself seeing everyone’s reaction to his death? Everything would’ve been alright if you did but you didn’t so here we are. Don’t worry, today it’ll be final. You won’t climb that tree anymore. You learned._

 

_There’s no place here that’s higher than that tree so we’re going to take a nap and we won’t wake up anymore. That way, everything will be fixed again. Connor will be happy again. You won’t ruin anything anymore._

 

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

 

He saved it and printed out his letter, reading over it once and twice before throwing it away in the trash. This was it. Everything was going to be alright again.

 

He walked to the bathroom, took a bottle and went back to his bedroom. He chugged the bottle, the bottle of water, set them down and went to sleep.  


* * *

 

Heidi was worried for Evan. He seemed so happy but earlier, he had a smile on his face the whole time she talked with him and went upstairs. It wasn’t the kind of smile he had when he and his friends had a great time. It was… something else.

 

She called Jared, he said that they had fun. Saying that Evan went over to Connor’s house.

 

She didn’t know Connor’s number. She called Cynthia’s.

 

“Um, hello?” She heard the sound of mumbled groaning before Cynthia’s voice went through the phone.

 

“Heidi?” She felt a stab of guilt, hearing her sleepy voice. “Is there something wrong?”

 

“Yes...I’m sorry for bothering you but is Connor there?”

 

“Connor? Yes, do you need to talk to him?” Her voice gradually lost its drowsiness.

 

“Yes,” She’ll give her a basket of gifts as an apology next time but something felt wrong. Evan hugged her, telling her how everything was going to be alright. “I’m really sorry about this, Cynthia.”

 

“No, it’s fine, Heidi. We’re both mothers-in…” She trailed off. “Partners? Partner mothers? Sister mothers? Oh, I don’t know.”

 

She heard knocking and Cynthia calling out to Connor. Connor answered the phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hello, I’m sorry for being blunt but did something happen to both you and Evan?”

 

“What do you mean?” He didn’t deny it, she noted.

 

“Evan was...weirder than usual earlier. He didn’t eat dinner and he told me that…” She paused. “He told me that he loved me and everything will be alright.”

 

“Alright? But I thought-” A sharp gasp. “Mrs. Hansen, can you, can you check Evan if he’s in his room?”

 

She paled hearing those words and she rushed upstairs. The door wasn’t locked. “Evan-!”

 

He was on his bed. Asleep, but too still. She eyed an empty bottle of pills on his bedside and a half-filled bottle of water.

 

“No…” She quivered. She dropped the phone, checking for signs that his son was alive. There was no pulse. He wasn’t breathing. She couldn’t wake him up. “Evan!”

 

Trembling, she picked up her phone that was still on call. She pulled up the keypad immediately and called the ambulance.

 

Cynthia talked through the phone and a few minutes later, Connor was rushing through the door, too. Panting as he looked at Evan’s still form. The two wished it wasn’t too late.

* * *

 

She found a letter. A haphazardly written letter, chucked below Evan’s bed.

 

_I wanted to pretend that everything was going to be fine. That I could do it. In the end, it was still the same. I just didn’t notice. I just didn’t notice that the one person that caused everything to be a mess was still alive and was still ruining everything. That’ll change today._

 

_I once believed that I was finally okay. I wasn’t. Not really. I didn’t want to. Everyone was happy. Why would I believe that I wasn’t happy with that?_

 

_I knew why. I didn’t want them to look at me that way again. I didn’t want to ruin everything again. I don’t want to see it._

 

 _That’s why, I’ll_ _remove myself from their lives before it became a mess again. This time, I’m not going to run anymore. Everything will be fixed._

 

_Try again. Everything will be alright, and that’s oka_

* * *

 

When he woke up, he knew he failed.

 

The thought of that made his eyes ache with tears he couldn’t let out. He was also far too weak mentally and physically to attempt sooner.

 

He closed his eyes. _I failed_.

 

 **_I failed_ **.

 

He clutched tightly on the bed sheets. **_He failed. He failed. He failedhefailedhefailedhefailed. He had the chance to make everything RIGHT and he FAILED_ **.

* * *

 

Connor walks in the room with the sight of Evan awake and dead to the world. His head was bowed. Posture hunched that oozed resignation and defeat rather than his anxiety.

 

“Evan?” He calls out and a pain erupts from his chest when Evan flinches at his voice before looking up.

 

“Connor.” Evan only said. Connor looked away.

 

“I’m sorry.” He blurted. “I was just angry and jealous. I didn’t-” He didn’t mean for one of his only friends to attempt to…

 

“It’s not you, Connor.” Evan interrupts his train of thought. Connor looks back towards Evan and it was like it wasn’t him. He was different.

 

“Sorry.” Evan speaks again, clutching tightly on the bed sheets. “I told you to trust me but I ruined everything again.”

 

“You’re not.” Connor found his words. “You’re not ruining anything.”

 

Evan gave a hollow laugh. Connor felt anger rising in him. “You’re not!” He shouts decisively. “You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Evan. Without you, I’d-”

 

He hitched a breath before continuing. Evan was quiet. “I’d have already killed myself.”

 

“I can’t stay, Connor.” Evan speaks again, looking out towards the window. “I cannot live with myself, Connor. It’s not you, or anyone else. I can’t stay alive.”

 

“Can’t?” Connor can’t help but release a disbelieving tone. “If you can’t stay alive, then what about me? Someone like me? If you don’t deserve a second chance, then I don’t, too.”

 

“But that’s it, Connor.” Evan’s voice started to shake. “This isn’t my second chance. It’s my third already at this point. Or my fourth. Fifth. I’ve been given so many chances and I keep failing. I can’t continue like this.”

 

“You can’t.” Connor said instead. A multitude of words whirling inside him, wanting to release them. “What would happen to us if you disappeared? If you died?”

 

The tension rose and Evan quivered. “I don’t want to ruin anything.”

 

“You won’t.”

 

“You can’t believe that.”

 

“I don’t, but I ruined so much shit in my life that not ruining something isn’t normal.”

 

Evan didn’t speak and Connor clenched his fists. Mrs. Hansen showed them the two letters she found. Evan seemed to always understand him. How could he not when he was undergoing the same thing? Connor won’t fail him. He will not see Evan in a coffin. He will not.

* * *

 

Somehow, everything was fixed? He doesn’t understand how it was fixed when he clearly wasn’t dead. Connor was finally having a decent conversation with his family.

 

They were getting better. Not okay. Not exactly normal but better than before and that was okay. Nobody died and that was a win.

 

(even if Evan still think that he should’ve just-)

 

“Evan, you coming?” Connor shouted back at him. He jerks his head up to see him looking back.

 

“I, I am! Wait!” He shouts back, running towards him.

 

(he should’ve but he really wants to continue being friends with him)

**Author's Note:**

> just a short thing. no plans to continue or anything. it was a plot bunny that nagged at me of a what if 
> 
> what if evan hansen went back but he still messed something up. the murphy's loved him too much that they looked forward to evan rather than connor whenever he tagged along to their home. 
> 
> it was just that so -shrugs- that first bit was the only inspired part. the rest was something I had to finish to put an ending for my closure.
> 
> inspired by listening to Words Fail by Ben Platt and really living the emotions embedded in that song


End file.
